In our society, there is so much talk about women's
feelings and emotions that one tends to forget that fathers really do love
their children, that they also have feelings, and that they also need to
grieve. Years ago, when I lost a newborn after a very difficult pregnancy,
emergency C-section and subsequent kidney infection, all my friends and
neighbors were hovering over me. Yes, I was exhausted both physically and
emotionally, and my hormones were going haywire, but no one seemed to realize
that my husband was also struggling with a loss.
Our Tapestry contacted three fathers, Simcha Millman, Shabse
Werther and Seth Clyman to hear how they dealt with their child's death.
Our Tapestry: Please tell our readers a bit
about your child and how he was niftar.
Simcha Millman:
My daughter, Perel Rina, a”h, suffered from Systemic Juvenile Rheumotoid Arthritis
for about five years, and suddenly passed away six years ago, when she was just
eighteen. She was a very special girl, and despite the limitations of her
illness, she had a tremendous drive to reach any goal that she set for herself.
Shabse Werther: Our son, Sholom B'nayahu, a"h, was killed in a hit and run accident on
the fourth night of Sukkos, 5770/2009 while walking with his younger brother,
Aharon, to his older brother's house. His death occurred at a time when our
relationship was growing into one of honest communication and closeness. Twice
during the last week of Sholom's life I had the occasion to call his Rosh
Yeshiva and express my astonishment regarding Sholom's growth in Torah and love
of Yiddishkeit (Judaism). Sholom had gone through many years of turmoil and had
finally matured into a magnificent young man. Then, all of the sudden, he was
gone.
Seth Clyman: We
lost a two month old baby girl in a crib death. It happened over ten years ago,
while she was at the babysitter. She was our fifth child, and after she was
niftar, we had four more children. Because she was so little when she passed
away, and we had such a busy household with four young children, I don't have
many memories of her.
I realize that this might sound harsh, but I cherish my memories
of the loss. I remember certain details as though it happened yesterday, but
they are all pieces of a bigger picture that is foggy. I remember being with
her outside the hospital before we got into the Chevra Kadisha van. It was just
the two of us and it was very quiet. That was the last time we were alone together.
Our Tapestry: We know that men and women
handle grief differently. Could you share with us how you handled your grief?
Seth Clyman:
All our other children were young, so just my wife and I sat and grieved. Taking
care of our busy household left very little time to dwell on the loss. In some
ways it was a big plus as it had a longer time to sink in. I actually made a
tape of my thoughts after the shiva. I listened to it a few months later and
then once again every few years. I realized that as my thoughts evolved, I
matured with them.
Shabse Werther: Despite the initial shock, I did not fall into despair,
which in itself was a surprise. I had always felt that if one of our children
would be taken from us, I would collapse and die. Instead, I found reserves of
strength I did not realize I possessed. When I called each of our children
after the accident, I didn't tell them that Sholom had died. I simply said,
"HaShem wanted Sholom back." Before the funeral, our family gathered
together at home while the Mashgiach (Dean of Students) of the Long Beach Yeshiva
spoke to us as a group. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that
it gave us courage. Afterwards, I told my wife and sons, "We are broken
but we are not destroyed. We will continue as a family. We must never forget
Sholom, ever." Before we began sitting shiva, I repeatedly told my wife
how fortunate we were to have had Sholom with us for 17 years. Although I found
myself crying each morning upon waking, each day I was able to realize that
Sholom's life had reached its ultimate destiny and that indeed it was time for
him to go back "home."
Our Tapestry: What did you do to keep your
family together during the overwhelming early days? Was there anything in
particular that helped?
Shabse Werther: At the seudah marking the shloshim, our family
made a siyum on all of the Mishnah and a Sefer Torah was begun in his
memory. Generally, I strongly feel that Sholom is connected to me. Standing
outside the hall before his funeral, I told my wife, "You’re going to
think I'm crazy but I feel that Sholom is standing here with me. I hear him
telling me, 'Ta, it's ok, everything's ok.'" In the ensuing months and
years, I believe he has dropped me "messages" to let us know that he
has reached his destiny and is protecting his beloved family. The messages are
profound, direct, and clearly coming from and/or about Sholom. Although at
first I found this frightening, now I find it comforting.
Sholom often comes up in conversation,
though less now than in the first two years. Generally, our family would be
reminiscing about some shared memory when his name would come up naturally, so
it rarely evoked sadness. Refraining from focusing on the fact that he is not
physically with us, and instead remembering that Shalom was so full of life and
vigor and joy – so many of his friends commented on how he radiated happiness –
has been a source of comfort.
Seth Clyman:
After the shiva, we made time in our busy schedules to speak with people and
hear their thoughts about the loss, how to deal with it and how to continue
with our lives. It was a turning point in our lives and not a time to keep to
ourselves.
Our Tapestry: Is it your minhag to say
Kaddish for your child? Yizkor? Can you share some of the emotions you dealt
with at the beginning? How do you feel about it now?
Simcha Millman:
Both my parents were niftar before our daughter, Perel Rena, so I was able to
say Kaddish as a zechus for her Neshama. Since our daughter was niftar on 19
Elul, and we got up from Shiva just a couple of days before Rosh Hashanah, the
first Yizkor was a few days later, on Yom Kippur. That was the hardest Yizkor
in my life. In the middle of Yizkor I had to go to the back of the Shul to make
sure I had a wall to lean on if I would faint. The next Yizkor was only a few
weeks later, on Shemini Atzeres. It was also difficult, but nothing like the
first one. Since the Yizkor on Yom Kippur was so close to Perel Rena’s petirah,
saying Yizkor gave her death a sense of finality, which I hadn’t felt before.
Seth Clyman:
Because she died when just a baby, there was no kaddish. Although there was a
shiva, there is no yartzeit. Our understanding is that we do not have to do
anything for her because she has no need of a tikkun. That was hard to deal
with because as parents we wanted to give to our child, and here we couldn't.
Instead, we try to give to others.
Shabse Werther: I do say Yizkor for Sholom and I said Kaddish the
entire first year. My situation may be a bit different than most fathers -
death is no stranger to me. I lost my father when I was 17 and my mother died
three weeks after Sholom was born. I also lost a sister and two of our sons had
close calls - one with cancer and another almost lost his life in an accident
that was identical to the one that took Sholom's life. A bereaved parent whose
own parents are still living may be reticent to - and halachically proscribed
from - saying Kaddish.
Our Tapestry: Everyone who has suffered a
loss will at some point experience “trigger moments” --something that causes
your emotions to unexpectedly rise to the surface. Can you share with us one
incident that comes to mind? How did you react? Did you ignore it or face it
head on?
Seth Clyman:
I experienced that the first time I had to tell someone that the baby passed
away. Hearing yourself say those words
makes it very, very real -- too real. It is much easier to stay quiet and keep
it to yourself. Although sharing your loss with others makes you vulnerable,
it's important – and what's even more important is to share the loss with
yourself. Don't fool yourself. Look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Yes I
lost a child. Now is that going to make a difference with the rest of my life
or am I just going to continue and let life take its course?"
Our Tapestry: Tell us what you have done l'ilui
nishmas your child. (Did it include other members of the family or is it something
you prefer to do alone? How did the family respond to your choice?)
Simcha Millman: I
am very careful not to speak during the davening. My wife and I distribute
money to tzedaka for medical needs. We also printed and sponsored Bencher and
Mincha cards that are used in several local schools. All of these are done
l'ilui nishmas Perel Rena.
Shabse Werther: On Sholom B'nayahu's first yartzeit, we made a Siyum Hashas
and Hachnassos Sefer Torah l'ilui his neshama. Every year, on his
yartzeit we gather together as a family in our Sukkah and make a siyum,
although not as grand as the first.
Seth Clyman:
Our understanding is that because our baby was so young, she completed her tikkun
here in this world and needs no ilui neshama.
Our Tapestry: Does visiting your child’s
kever bring you comfort, relief or fulfillment?
Shabse Werther: My wife and I go to the Bais Hachaim from time to time. I
wish now that we had buried him closer to our home, instead of 45 minutes away,
as then I would go more often. We know that Sholom's siblings visit, too. I
find some comfort in going, although lately, I find it a good place for prayer.
I used to leave the cemetery with tears flowing down my face, instead now I
find myself leaving with a smile, telling Sholom to "keep those messages
to us coming." And he has!
Seth Clyman: According
to Minhag Yerushalayim one does not know where a baby is buried, so we followed
that. I tell people that I do not know where my baby daughter is buried, but
she knows exactly where I am holding.
Simcha Millman: As
a Kohen, I am not allowed to get too close to Perel Rena’s grave, although we
made sure that it would be in the front rows of the Bais HaChaim. Although six
years have passed, I still find real comfort in going there.
Our Tapestry: Has your family made a simcha
since the passing of your child and if so, how did it affect your
happiness?
Simcha Millman:
Perel Rena’s older sister got married a little over a year after she passed
away. At the vort, which was in the same room where we sat Shiva the previous
year, I gave thanks to Hashem that the room of aveilus was now a room of
simcha. I am quite sure that the tremendous turnout for the vort was a
reflection of our friends wanting to help us celebrate a simcha relatively soon
after the aveilus.
Seth Clyman:
We have celebrated many simchas since the loss. The loss is part of our lives.
Our lives have been enriched from it, not set back from it.
Our Tapestry: Are you able to talk about
your child easily or does it bring forth painful memories that make it
difficult for you to share?
Shabse Werther: My coworkers and students were a great source of
encouragement to me. They listened, sometimes with fascination, to the latest
"messages" I received from Sholom (there were so many, I eventually
wrote a book about them) and one even said how they knew I was putting on a
brave front to spare them from seeing me in agony. Truth is, Sholom's death
forced me to do something I had never learned to do well - put a smile on my face
when my heart was broken. It has been an important step in my character development.
Seth Clyman:
We are able to talk about it and we find that sharing is good for both sides;
the listener and us. With every time that the loss comes up, the ideas and the
messages mature. Life is a growing process and loss is part of everyone's life.
We are constantly losing things that we wish we hadn't. One has to continue
living.
Simcha Millman: I
have no difficulty talking about Perel Rena. But there is one thing that I am
not able to do. Her picture is prominently displayed in my study (which also
doubles as the living room). Even now, six years after she passed away, I
cannot bring myself to look at her picture – I can only quickly glance at it.
Our Tapestry: What is your reaction when
others bring up your child? Do you appreciate their thoughts and memories or
would you prefer they don’t share them?
Simcha Millman:
I appreciate hearing their thoughts and memories since it brings me pleasure to
know that Perel Rena’s life impacted others.
Seth Clyman:
I have no problem when other bringing up the loss. Sometimes people are not
sensitive and may not say the correct things but I do not let that bother me. I
try to learn from it. I feel bad for those people who try to avoid the issue
and make as if it never happened. It is comforting to know that they are there
for us and are also trying to live with their friend's loss. Over the years,
our loss has become part of the fabric of our relationships. When someone else
suffers a loss, we are asked to speak with the parents.
Our Tapestry: What message would you like
to give other bereaved fathers?
Shabse
Werther:I would like to pass on the advice that I received right after Sholom died.
A therapist who had worked with Sholom when he was fifteen called to express
his sorrow, and then he said, "All you can do is put one foot in front of
the other. Life will go on." And it has. Each of us finds our own way
through the loss, grief, sorrow and pain. We know that HaShem loves us and that
whatever we experience is for the best. Our departed loved ones gain little if
anything from our grief. But the inspiration we derive from their lives in this
world only enhances their eternal existence in the next.
Seth Clyman:
Share your thoughts and feelings first with yourselves. Be real with the loss.
Don't be concerned how others will see you and your loss. You want to grow from
this. Do not say that it is back to life as before, because it is not. It will
never be the same. You should always be hoping and striving that life will
change for the better, for you, your household and all those who surround you.
In talking with these three fathers, I could not help but be
impressed by their self-awareness, sensitivity, and ability to grow from their
pain. I am sure that through
articulating their thoughts, they clarified them for themselves as well as for
the reader. It is my hope that this panel will be the first of many, and that
in the very near future, the panel will focus on how to cope with our joy at
seeing our lost children return home with techiyas hameisim (revival of the
dead, which will occur in the Messianic era).
